($4.99, NY:Simon & Schuster, 2005 (1997), 352 pages)

“On your mark, get set … go!”

“Supermarket Spree,” chapter three of The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio, a memoir by Terry Ryan, encapsulates in a single scene all that is both wonderful and tragic about the Ryan clan dynamic – Evelyn rushing ahead with boundless enthusiasm, her hung-over husband Kelly skulking on the sidelines, the adoring kids cheering at the top of their lungs.

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And, as was also typical of Evelyn Ryan, the whole thing started with twenty-five words. As she had so many times before, the undisputed “Queen of Contesters” managed to squeeze in both sponsor companies (Seabrook’s Frozen Foods and Big Chief Supermarket) in order to fill her freezer with enough food to feed her family for months:

Wide selections, priced to please her;
Scads of Seabrook’s in their freezer.
Warmth that scorns the impersonal trend,
Stamps “Big Chief” as the housewife’s friend.

In this touching tribute to her mother, Terry Ryan tells the story of a woman who raised ten children and “filled in the gaps” for her alcoholic husband during the “contesting era” of the 1950s. With polished bits of prose, Evelyn provided for her bustling family’s needs by writing jingles and poems for companies that wanted fresh ideas for marketing their products.

To her peers – other “contesters” – Mrs. Evelyn Ryan was the undisputed queen of verse, unrivaled in her ability to turn a phrase to its unexpected best. In her private life, it was a very different story. Hastily wed to a failed musician-turned-machinist who washed the bile from his throat with copious quantities of booze, Evelyn was often reduced to begging the milkman for the dairy products her growing family needed.

Amazingly, she did not become embittered, or lose her dignity. Evelyn’s strength – and what made her family love her so – was her ability to hold steady and stay positive, no matter how dismal the prospects. While formalized religion – in the form of gin-soaked priests and disapproving nuns – often inflicted more hurt than help, Evelyn’s faith never seemed to waiver.  In The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio, Evelyn’s daughter Terry recounts the spiritual life of her mother:

“Mom began life as a Methodist and converted to Catholicism when she married Dad. She had all the zeal one expects of a convert, none of the lackadaisical languor to be found in the lifelong believer. … The rituals of the Catholic church seemed to provide an incense-laced backdrop for the brand of religion she concocted for herself over the years, a brew of equal parts Nature, Catholicism, and Spiritualism: All living things, including weeds, have value; prayers to St. Jude, patron of lost causes, can work miracles; the dead sometimes walk among us” (p.134).

What I found most striking about this woman was her single-minded determination to protect and nurture her family, even when the man she married made this seem an insurmountable task. She was not always successfully at totally shielding her brood from her husband’s drunken abuse, or his bad judgment, and there are times when her daughters especially grapple to understand that, when all was said and done, she chose to stay. In our time of “no-fault” divorce, such self-sacrifice is all the more remarkable.

 In one scene of the book, Evelyn offers this succinct explanation to her daughter:

“Tuff, ‘standing up’ to your Dad would mean nothing. In fact, you’d be wasting time and energy you should be spending on your whole life. You could spend hours every night fighting with Dad about whether he’s being ‘fair’ to us – or you could do what you’re doing: getting good grades, planning for college, saving your own money. … A long time ago I figured out something that made life a lot simpler. Don’t let yourself be judged by others, and don’t judge other people” (p.255).

With this Evelyn offers her children a true gift, showing them how to make their own happiness, to determine the outcome of their own life’s story. My favorite scene in the movie based on the book involves a subdued Kelly helping his wife off with her milk-soaked girdle after she returns from the emergency room, where she was treated after a “domestic disturbance.”

“All I ever wanted was to make you happy,” sobs Kelly (played by Woody Harrelson).

“I don’t need you to make me happy,” retorts Evelyn (Julianne Moore). “I just need you to leave me alone when I am!”

For Evelyn Ryan – and for all her children, who learned it from her – this was where the rubber met the road. The human condition is not an idyllic experience; sooner or later, the shadows roll. As Mrs. Ryan and her daughter Terry remind us, the secret is not escaping the shadows, for it isn’t possible. The key is to push that old shopping cart called life with courage, with optimism … and with a touch of Defiance.

Heidi Hess Saxton is the founder of the Extraordinary Moms Network and author of “Raising Up Mommy” (Simon Peter Press).