Friday's QOTD

Picture source.

Life's too short for chess.

-- H.J. Byron

Theological Trash Talk Tips

Want to show affection and "admonish the sinner" at the same time? Presenting: theological trash talk that combines charity, humor, and "brotherly love" zingers. I've found it very useful to throw in at Catholic high school basketball games and within most church and university committees:

• You lovable gravely disordered noodlehead
• Yeah, you. This is your conscience. This is your conscience on drugs. Any questions?
  
• You've really got your transcendental Thomist freak goin' on
  
• You're such a cross between a Jansenist and a Cathar. Yeah, pun intended, pharisaic punk
  
• Your similitudo dei needed an elephantine spit shine when you were born
• Yo momma's like St. Monica without her faith
• When you got baptized, that chrism oil curdled on your forehead like rancid salad dressing
  
• Dude, you have free will. That Freebird song don't have nothin' to do with it. And Lynyrd Skynyrd ain't no theologians
  
• When you received the gifts of the Holy Spirit, you asked for a receipt
  
• You so messed up, you thought "intrinsically disordered" was a self-canceling pizza delivery

Some of my favorites in the comments:

• "You, dude, are one decade short of a rosary."
• "Nice call, ref! Maybe someone should rub mud and spit on your eyes!"
• "Bring it on! I've got a whole bag of Benedictine rules here with your name on it!"
• Shut up and edify, stupid.
• God may be merciful, but you are REALLY pushing it!
• You see, YOU are the perfect example of why we need grace!
  

More added as time permits...add your own in the comments box.

(p.s. temptation can be averted entirely by praying with NaPraGoMo!)

Caption Contest #66

Picture source. Other winners.

Caption away in the midrash box....

Rants Against Mediocrity 6.0: My God, it's a miracle! Shhhh!

(An occasional series, where I get my theological rant on. Apologies to those of delicate constitutions in advance.)

Ok, people. I know what is making me madder than a wet hen this month. It also happens to be reason #452 why the non-immigrant influenced segments of the Catholic Church in the USA seems to be in semi-permanent drift. (BTW, I have that list under lock and key, and you don't want to see that list. It ain't pretty.)

We don't talk about miracles.

(Shhh! Freak! She said the "M" word!)

See, I was in my parish family faith formation class, leading it, actually, and talking about a bona fide medical miracle that happened to me that would withstand the medical scrutiny of the Lourdes observers, for crying out loud. (FYI, Lourdes wasn't involved.) Almost 2/3 of the gathered assembly dribbled out over 15 minutes for the 10:30am mass (the idea is to attend the 8:30 mass and then do this formation meeting from 9:30am-11am). The eight people left were paying rapt attention until all our kids came back early to do foam crafts for Thanksgiving (--don't ask. As religious education crafts go it wasn't bad, but moving from witnessing to the almighty power of God to gluing thankfulness leaves to foam trees for a holiday centerpiece was...bizarre). I realize that the apostle Paul preached the Word under more trying circumstances, but you know, I'm talking about giving a presentation in a church where people are free to be there to praise God and reform their lives. I'm not talking about people facing jail time, torture, shipwreck, and execution to show up.

The issue here isn't that people weren't paying attention to me. Heck, I teach college freshmen at 7:45am. I'm used to that. But this story speaks to the truly stunning power of God to heal and save and surprise us: that is, it's about paying attention to God, not me. And there isn't a space to tell that story in any Catholic parish I know. Another person came up and talked to my husband (since I was busy gluing foam leaves) about a miraculous experience he had, and how obscenely grateful he was to hear someone at a church talk about the miraculous.

(blink, twitch)

Isn't that...utterly absurd?

It seems like the only time it's OK to talk about a miracles is when Jesus did them in the gospels, or you are dead and have been declared a saint.

News flash, folks: God is good. God is great! God is truth and beauty incarnate! I had no real idea who God was, or who I was, until this event happened. Don't you think that we all would want to know a little better this Mysterious One we call Our Savior through sharing these stories and building up our faith? We're talking about mountaintop events where God graciously reveals his love and power to the unworthy...and we'd rather picnic in the valleys and stare at ants.

If we aren't going to talk about miracles in parishes, where on earth (literally) do we talk about the power of God in the world today? Who carries the witness?

(And Peter went out and wept....)

*****

p.s. I've said this before, but I reiterate: I really like my parish, honestly. We have a great priest and many good things happen there: it is a lovely, vibrant community. I got some very positive response from the people who hung in there, and many offered that the set-up was unfortunate for reasons that don't lie with any one person. But I'm ticked off right now due to a sense of parishes scheduling and busying themselves out of real sharing and witness to God's work...because whenever I do share this, people say things like "wow! we never talk about things like this in my church! But let me tell you MY story...."

p.p.s. Encouragement is the theme of NaPraGoMo today. I'll go read that now. Again.

Now I Lift My Name On High, How I Love To Sing My Praises

Very funny parody... Just in time for the holidays!

Apparently it's a take-off on the classic "MeChurch" video, also worth the watch.

Friday's QOTD

If I have accomplished anything in my life, it is because I wasn't embarrassed to talk about God.

--Dorothy Day








p.s. great new music in the MP3 clips player at left!

Truth Is Stranger #88: Funky Bible Proverbs

There are no words.

But much laughter at the...ingenuity...of our brother in Christ here. Listen. Please.

(A big hat tip to Bismuth. Give me your url and you'll get the link!)

(There are no words in contemplative prayer either. NaPraGoMo all!)

Truth is Stranger #87: Church Issues The 7 Day Sex Challenge

(AP, Dallas) A pastor of a nondenominational mega-church issues a challenge--on a bed in front of the church--for all married couples to have sex 7 days in a row..."he plans to practice what he preaches."

There was apparently also a 30 day challenge at another church....

I think I'll let the comment box do the talking....

"The Gospel According to Melvin": On Prayer

Allen's Brain, in his own ...special... way, tries to promote prayer and NaPraGoMo through the continuing apocryphal Gospel according to Melvin. A pericope follows:

This, then, is how you should pray: "'Our Father, Good Heavens! Hollered be your name**

**The marginal note reads at this point: On feast days and special Sabbaths, add "We say it loud. We say it proud. But mostly just loud."

Full scroll here.

As Allen says: "If this doesn't motivate you to pray, I'm not sure what will!"

Woman Reads Veritatis Splendor, Has Nothing Funny To Say

Yep. Still blinded by the Splendor. And a little tired.

In the same vein...see what Bp. Hermann said yesterday.

Humor tomorrow, if I've recovered from all this bracing truth-telling.

"Advice for the Non-Raptured"

Oh. My. Word:

Jesus will come for the
saints any day now...

Your odds of being among them are not good.

If you're like the authors of this site, you know that when Jesus returns and takes the saints with him during The Rapture, it's not likely you'll be among them. So where's that leave you? Well for starters, trying to get by back on earth during seven years of tribulation and the reign of the Anti-Christ. In the coming days, this site will be your guide to surviving and even thriving during this time of turmoil. You will get tips on everything from what stocks will boom while commerce is controlled by the anti-Christ to how to minimize inheritance tax on gifts left by raptured relatives.

Our site is just beginning to be constructed. We have an entire millenium ahead of us. Come back frequently and see what's new. Just because you're not with God that doesn't mean you can't live the good life.

(I sure hope this is a joke. It's a good one. Dcn. Scott, your home state seems effected unduly by the rapture, but I can't quite tell whether it's for good or ill.)

Check it out here.

p.s. Catholics don't believe in rapture theory. Just saying that before someone else does.
p.p.s. NaPraGoMo is the best investment you can make before the end times. (Cough cough)

Top Ten Ironic Catholic Reasons I Am Glad It's November

Picture source.

1. Waiting for waiting (advent, that is). Poetic, isn't it.
   
2. These previous months of comfortable Minnesota weather don't really speak to the universal human need for mortification. November weather: mission accomplished.
   
3. All those dark Scripture readings leading to the Feast of Christ the King. It makes me feel positively Goth just going to Mass.
4. Mystic Monk Coffee tastes better in November.
5. If I surreptitiously wear a neck scarf to pray with (as in head covering) at some point during the day, my neck doesn't get nearly as sweaty.
6. The new reality of abundant static cling is an awesome metaphor for sin.
7. NaPraGoMo, baby.
8. The "dark night of the senses" becomes kind of literal, in the upper reaches of the Northern Hemisphere.
9. Shorn of the lovely turning leaves, the trees stick straight up in the sky, begging for light. Basically, my prayer life: and right outside my window.
   
10. Speaking of turning a leaf: IC=compost=transformation. Hope so.
    

Happy Birthday, Sic!

(Sic=Spouse of the Ironic Catholic, for those not in the know.)

A day late, but he's an honest 39 as of yesterday. Today's the celebration day. He's the sweet guy who is responsible for the best posts here over the past three years, all of which are right here. I especially liked If the FDA Regulated the Eucharist.

And, no, I did not make that cake. I wish I were that talented. No doubt he wishes that, too.

*****

p.s. It's never too late...we've got 26 people praying with us and counting...pray 15 more minutes today at NaPraGoMo.

Friday's QOTD

Theology is the study of God and God's ways.
For all we know, dung beetles may study humanity and call it humanology.
If so, we would probably be more touched and amused than irritated.
One hopes that God feels likewise.

— Frederick Buechner

p.s. Napragomo continues....